I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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