I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
