I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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