you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
