It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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