Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
