I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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