my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
