Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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