Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
