Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
