Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Watching her eat just hurts me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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