I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
