I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
