so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
