I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
