Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
