It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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