woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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