mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
