apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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