Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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