I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
