Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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