Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
