Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
