I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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