Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
