Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
