i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
