Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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