3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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