So drunk its hurt
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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