Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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