Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
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