I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
