I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Randomize
