If i come over, it means nothing
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
