Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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