i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize