his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
