Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
