dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
