Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
