I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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