3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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