Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
