drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
