I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
