you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
