a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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