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Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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