All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
