You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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