I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
