I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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