1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
