Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
