Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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