if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I DEMAND FORESKIN
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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